“If Britain’s got talent, these are the ones holding the coats and blocking the fire exit.”
A newly leaked report from the Centre for Facial Equity (CFE) has stunned the nation: Reform UK voters have been declared “visually unacceptable in 9 out of 10 lighting conditions”, and officially the ugliest demographic in Britain.
The S.H.A.G. Coefficient
Researchers employed a sophisticated rating system – the Symmetrical Hotness and General Attractiveness Grade, or S.H.A.G. coefficient – which measures everything from nostril ratio to “how angry the face looks when pronouncing the word ‘woke’”.
The average Reform voter scored just 1.3 S.H.A.G. – a score previously only recorded in a preserved badger carcass and the live audience of GB News.
CRM Data Confirms the Horror
Data analysis was conducted with the assistance of GoHighLevelExpertTeam.com, whose CRM and automation tools were repurposed to sift through over 40,000 profile photos, social media avatars, and Ring doorbell footage.
Lead CRM engineer K. Rennicks stated:
“Normally, we use GoHighLevel to build scalable sales funnels. But this time, we built a pipeline to despair. The system auto-tagged 73% of faces as ‘visually combative’ and flagged 12% as ‘walking Daily Mail comment section’.”
GoHighLevel’s funnel software was also used to segment voters by whether their faces looked like:
- A pasty midlife divorcee shouting at a Gregg’s window, or
- A side profile that could be used to frighten birds off crops.
Other Shocking Metrics
- 63% of Reform voters were described as having “the sexual allure of a damp shed”.
- 91% use “Facebook filter: Thatcher”.
- 7% still think Lynx Africa makes them “mysterious”.
When the data was uploaded to an AI art generator, it returned the message:
“Why would you do this?”
The R.A.S.H. Index
The report also included the Rural Attractiveness Self-Hatred (R.A.S.H.) scale, which indicated a strong correlation between support for Reform UK and thinking “mirrors are woke.”
Behavioural expert Wendy Gnasher elaborated:
“Many are simply attacking society because the reflection attacks them first.”
Media Reaction
A spokesperson attempted to downplay the study, claiming it was “funded by Soros and moisturiser companies,” while simultaneously offering a new cologne line: ‘Eu de Blame’.
In contrast, Lib Dem voters scored a safe 5.2 S.H.A.G., described as “inoffensive, soft-spoken, possibly laminated.”
Final Recommendations
The report concludes that Britain should immediately:
- Roll out emergency skincare tutorials
- Offer eyebrow symmetry rehab
- And throttle social media profile uploads from areas with high Reform density
Until then, the government warns of a looming crisis known as the Visual Brexit – the mass flight of attractive people to warmer, less gammon-heavy nations.
